Regret

Regret is the worst feeling in the world. It’s like being trapped in a living nightmare. You can’t escape it. You can’t go back, you can’t change what is done, you are stuck, you are imprisoned with the consequences of your actions and as a result, you feel regret. I hate feeling regret. It means I made a significant mistake. I have a long way to go, but I have much to regret so far in my life. I’ve never been a drunk or a drug addict, I’ve never been arrested, I’ve never knocked a girl up, I’ve never killed anyone, I’ve never broken the law. In fact, you could say I am an obedient and model citizen of this country.

But, for example, I did not take full advantage of the luxuries of youth. I did not go to 4 years of high school. In fact I only went up to 10th grade, then transferred to this small private school my older brother and cousin attended, and due to my connections, they allowed me to essentially cruise through 11th grade and then graduate altogether at the end of the year. I was ecstatic at graduating a year early, but I now wish I had allowed myself the privilege of a normal four year high school education and experience. There is no going back though. There is only regret.

I was 17 when I entered college, and if you’ve ever been 17, then you know that the last thing a kid that age wants to do is take college seriously. I certainly didn’t. I slacked off, took my time, and never realized that these four years were supposed to be the most important four years of my young adult life. I left college after one year and traveled abroad. It was the greatest year of my life, because I did nothing but smoke weed, sleep till 1, watch movies for 10 months straight, and I ended up getting a whole year’s worth of college credit for it to boot. I could have done so much more with that year though. I could have learned so much more about this world. I could have brought back so many more experiences than I did. But there’s no going back. There’s no undoing or doing over. There is only regret.

When I returned home, I was 19 years old. I went back to college, and met a woman, her name was Erin. She looked to be a bit older than me, perhaps 21 or 22, I presumed. She was cute and liked me. One day she told me she was actually 31. I didn’t care. I liked her too. But I was scared. I was naive. I was inexperienced with someone who was over 10 years older than me. I did not know how to handle the situation. I would occasionally walk her to the train station after our class twice a week. We would talk and she would express her interest in me. I acted like a complete loser and never asked her out formally. The semester ended, and I never saw Erin again. Some time after that, I wrote and directed a film based on some of my experiences, and one of the story arcs was about a young college kid and an older classmate named Erin who fall for each other. I don’t think she ever knew I did that. She probably will never know. I wish I could go back but that is an impossibility. There is no going back now. There is only regret.

After that semester ended, I took an internship on a film set. The director was really famous and one of the people I looked up to. It was a hard decision to leave school again, but the opportunity was too golden to pass up. It was grueling. The whole experience was enlightening and valuable, but the most difficult job I’ve ever had to endure in my life. The star of the film, who would later score an Oscar nomination for his performance in the movie, was nothing but a washed up coke head who was lucky enough to get a second (or third, or fourth) chance at stardom. But he’s a talented guy and he deserved his accolades. Anyway, I did take full advantage of that experience, but somehow I feel like I could have done more after it was over. I was given an opportunity to continue working on high profile film sets, but I decided to go make my own film, which took up the next 2 years of my life. That was an interesting period in my life. I wish I could go back. But there is no going back. There is only regret.

By the time my third stint in college began, I was a few months shy of my 21st birthday. The first day I showed up in class, a blond girl caught my eye. Something about blond’s, I don’t know. She turned out to be a total dick-freak. I mean, she just loved the dick. Unfortunately for me, I was not one of the participants in this love affair of hers. She was threw herself at me for years after that, but I relented because she had a different belief system than me. I feel foolish now, because she was quite attractive and we shared a lot of the same interests, but mistakes of the youth are prevalent in this story. That blond is now married and living in some one room shack with her husband. If only I could go back and just fuck her once, just to get the idea out of my mind, once and for all. But there’s no going back and fucking, there is only regret.

Anyway, I could go on and on with exploits and missed connections during college years, I think everyone could write a book about those subjects, but I think this should suffice it for now. I think my thirst for regurgitation of my past is over for the moment. Thank you for listening.

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